Old Memory

 

We lost mom this past week.  Betty Lou Fox Laughlin died 11-April-2016 at the age of 82, after a long struggle with Alzheimer's.  For many of you, I may never have mentioned her in conversation, it was just too difficult to do so.

 

I wrote the post below back in 2013, a time when she was more aware than she had been in the last couple of years.  It's a terrible, terrible thing to lose one's memories, to be unable to recall the names even of close family members.  On the other hand, it also removed the memory of her greatest loss and sorrow, the passing of my sister, Karen, in 1983.  A sword with two edges.  I know it was very difficult for my boys, knowing that she could no longer remember them.  But we must take some solace in knowing that the dying of those other, much more difficult memories, brought her well deserved peace.

 

Y'all take care,

  -  Mark

 

Old Memory

 

My mother is almost 80 years old now.  In Assisted Living, her memory is fading.  But certain things, old memories, still make her smile.  In her condition, it’s the recent memories that go first.  Over time, she seems to recall less and less, with the oldest memories accessible longer.

She and her friend, Nancy, grew up in a small (tiny) West Texas town, Breckenridge.  It started as a farming community in the 1870’s and rose to a population of around 3,000.  For a brief time in the early 1920’s, it was a bustling Oil Field Boom Town, the kind you see in movies with wooden derricks everywhere, tents, make-shift saloons, and a population of over 30,000 !  But that had all calmed down before mom was born, and the population hasn’t been more than around 5,000 since.

Since its West Texas, lots of folks had horses, including mom and Nancy.  From the time they were in Middle School, they would take off riding all over town, out into the country, and just about wherever they pleased, so long as they were home before dark.  You would never let young girls do that today, but that was a long time ago, and since it was a small town, there were people they knew just about anywhere they went, so they just rode and rode.

As their horses walked along, of course the girls talked, they joked and made up stories.  One story especially sticks with them, the one in which they were actually a pair of notorious Russian Spies, named Olga and Volga.  Nancy wrote to me not long after mom had moved into Assisted Living, checking up on her.  When I mentioned the letter to mom, she laughed, and her voice took on a comical Russian accent, talking the way Olga and Volga did as they rode.

Later, Nancy called me, again to see how mom was doing.  I stopped her, abruptly, and asked “Can I ask you…which one were you ?  Olga or Volga ?”  A few seconds of silence followed as her mind raced back 60+ years, searching for that reference.  Then she let out a laugh and said, “well, now that I think about it, I’m not really sure which one I was !”  I later asked mom, and she didn’t exactly remember either, but it really didn’t seem to matter.  They both smile and laugh as they recall those days.

Nowadays, when Nancy e-mails me to check up on mom, she signs her e-mail “- Volga.”

-          Mark (son of “Olga”) (I think)

 

 Betty Lou Fox (Laughlin)

Holding the white Breckenridge flag, on the right. (c. 1948)

 15-October-1933  --  11-April-2016

 

 

 

Sheep. (don't be one...)

Sheep

(A second “Letter to my Niece”…)

I have two boys.  It’s enough of a job to raise them to an age where you allow them out into the world, worried about the dangers, of driving, of risky behavior.  But I think that must pale in comparison to the worries of a father of young girls.  Trying to prepare them to wander out, into “the jungle”, and somehow remain safe, while doing the things they want to do, accomplishing the goals they have.  It’s natural, I think , for a father with daughters to want to “lock them away”, to protect, to safeguard, to stand between them and anything that would do them harm.  But it’s also natural for young women to want to go out, to meet other people, young men, to find romance, love, adventure, careers, creating a potentially stormy conflict between a father who would “lock them in the tower”, and a girl who wants to “ride off into the sunset”.

So, if we can’t stop them, and dad’s, let’s get this straight right now…we can’t…then what do we do ?  I think the next best thing is to prepare them, to instruct and caution them so they don’t wind up in danger…wind up a headline.  If we teach them to “smell evil” to recognize danger, to seek “the protection of the pack”, then we arm them to protect themselves, and thus enable them to safely accomplish their dreams.  And hopefully, do so without making us crazy in the process.

Karate class ?  Not a bad idea.  Mostly, I think such a class could teach self-confidence, could be good exercise, and of course, they can meet cute boys there.  But really, I think the best way to avoid trouble is to be able to identify and to avoid dangerous situations in the first place.  If we keep ourselves (all of us) out of dark alleys, keep an eye on our surroundings, think ahead about what we are doing and do it in a smart way, we may never need the karate we learned.  After all, getting into a fight involves some really serious risk, so better to act in a way that prevents the need for such risk.  I think all of us watch ourselves when we travel, or go to unfamiliar places, not just women…but women must do so even more. 

The Natalee Holloway case surfaced again a couple of months back.  A jawbone washed ashore.  It appeared to be from a young female.  The world waits for word on whether or not it belongs to Ms. Holloway.  If so, it will be the first remains found since her disappearance, the first proof that she is dead, and that a murder actually took place. 

Natalee disappeared on a High School Graduation trip to Aruba in 2005.  It was a trip her parents allowed her to go on, I’m sure not without nervousness, but of course they trusted her to be careful.  They also trusted the chaperons.  There were several chaperons on the trip, but I suppose now we should make the case that there weren’t enough.  She went with friends, and partied with them because friends keep an eye on friends, and look out for them.  We could also make the case that the friends didn’t do a good enough job, or that they were just not prepared properly for the task.  They didn’t realize how dangerous it was for a young woman to slip away from the pack, to be left alone. 

Fault could be placed all around.  Fault with the parents for allowing her to go, for not preparing her.  Fault with the school and the chaperons, for not seeing the seriousness of their mission, and not preventing disaster.  Fault with the friends, for not closing ranks, for not preventing Natalee from going off alone.  But largely, fault with Natalee.  She drank too much, she went with strangers who may have slipped her a date-rape-drug, strangers she should not have trusted.  She slipped away from her friends, wanted to party, didn’t want to call it a night, didn’t heed the pleading of friends who wanted to hang on to her.  She left with strangers, and was never seen again.

It’s time to talk about coyotes.  Not the “Wiley Coyote” type.  Not the smart critters that inhabit much of the western U.S., catching rabbits, stealing chickens.  I’m talking more about the Mexican definition of a Coyote, a person who will steal, cheat, who cannot be trusted.  In this context, instead of stealing chickens, they steal young girls, mistreat, rape, murder.  Natalee was taken by coyotes.  She strayed from the safety of the group, of the “flock”, she was the sheep off to the side, the one that lagged behind, the easy target.  And they took her. 

The lesson here, the whole point of this ranting, it that our young girls need to be taught, prepared.  They need to understand, unfortunately in graphic detail, what can happen.  They must not be “that sheep”.  They mustn’t be the slowest, the foolish, the stray sheep.  They have to be one of the smart ones.  That doesn’t just mean staying in the middle of the pack, being uninteresting, never having fun.  It’s just means “being smart”.  Don’t stay home, but go out in a smart way, stay away from the dangerous, seek out the light, stay with friends, and stick with friends you can trust, and by all means, listen to them when they say “come on, it’s time to go”.

Now, girls, being girls, will rebel.  If we try too hard to coach them, to teach them, it will feel like “control.”  They will not like it, and will rebel (of course, that’s not just girls, it’s boys too, and even me, if you push me).  So this “dance” has to be carefully choreographed.  It has to be constructive, it has to come from the heart.  Or it will come to nothing.

So girls, listen up…we want to tell you about the dangerous beasts that lurk out there.  

Do yourself a favor…listen.

-          Uncle Mark

                 31-March-2016

Natalee Ann Holloway

was an American teenager

who disappeared on May 30, 2005,

while on a high school graduation trip

to Aruba, a Dutch island in the Caribbean. Wikipedia

Photo by Mark W. Laughlin