The “Arrangement”

I had an interesting conversation this week (11-2010).  I got an order earlier in the year from a Japanese-Korean joint venture company, who is having an Indian engineering firm do the design for a refinery project going to Saudi Arabia, with a crane purchased from the U.S.A and made with components from Finland…just about as international as they come!  As part of the project, a pre-manufacturing meeting was held in Houston, to confirm everything is going in the right direction before manufacturing begins.  Attending was a young fellow from India, whom I had met earlier at a meeting in Japan.

One learns a lot working with folks from different countries and different cultures.  That’s one of my favorite side benefits of my job.  This young fellow is 33, with one daughter.  He showed me a family photo of his parents, daughter and a pretty young wife.  One difficulty for an Indian traveling outside India is that many Hindus are strict vegetarians.  Finding suitable local food outside India can be a challenge.  On one of his trips to Japan, his wife and daughter would join him, because he would be there for about six months.  But, the wife and daughter were to follow him…he would be there alone for about 4 weeks.  His mom worried about him. 

When home, he and his family live in the same house, actually 2 or 3 “houses” connected to a central kitchen and living area.  When his wife is busy, his mom is always around to feed him, his dad and brother, and to look after her grand-daughter.  I think this means that my friend’s cooking skills are on about the same level as mine…poor.  His mom worried about him living so long alone, unaccustomed to cooking for himself.  She loaded him up with some non-perishable Indian food and told him, “…if you get hungry…go ahead and eat some non-veggie food…just close your eyes and eat whatever is on your plate”.  Now that’s a pretty strong statement coming from a mom…ignore your beliefs, your life-long religious preferences in the interest of staying healthy.  I suppose moms must be the same everywhere.  They all worry about us the same way.

Mandavi - Center of Vadodara (Baroda) – Photo by P. Shah

Well, I knew a little about Indian food preferences, and I’ve entertained Indian visitors before, so I was prepared.  We ate at three different local Indian food establishments during his 4-day visit, and had lunch catered in from a non-Indian restaurant, but prepared in consideration of his “veggie preference”.  Just before flying home, he spoke with his family.  His mom asked if he was able to eat properly.  He told her that we had been able to get good Indian food whenever we wanted.  She sent me the Indian equivalent of a “phone-hug”.

During his visit, we had occasion to sit and talk over three or four dinners, so we discussed many things, about India and about the U.S.A.  One of the more intriguing topics was his marriage.  It was an “Arranged Marriage”.  I think I had asked where he and his wife had met, thinking maybe it was at college or something like that.  But he said “no”, that most Indian marriages are “arranged”.  At one dinner where it was just he and I, I asked about it.  He described the process at length, and I must say it was not at all what I expected.

First, the parents will go to the young person, in my friend’s case a little after he finished college, and ask if he is ready to think about marriage.  In his case, at that time, he said “no”, he had just graduated and wanted to establish a career first, and just wasn’t ready.  They then left him alone about it until he was getting to be 27 or 28.  Then they sat him down and said “now, you need to be ready, it’s time”.  Fortunately for him, he agreed and felt that the time had come.  In addition, they asked if he was already in love with someone.  Maybe he would want to ask her to marry, which he could do independently if he wished, in a so-called “love-marriage”. 


Sursagar Lake with Lord Shiva standing 110 feet high – Photo by P. Shah


If he’s ready, and doesn’t have a potential girl of his own in mind, the next step is for the family to talk to other members of their own caste, which means they will be families that they know, or that relatives know, to see what young ladies might be of age and also ready to marry. 

Apparently either the boy’s or the girl’s family can search around and make overtures to see if there may be some interest on the part of the other family.  The parents may meet and discuss the situation, and if they agree, will set up a meeting at the home of one of the families.  Again, could be the boy’s or the girl’s.

At this “first meeting” the parents get to meet and talk with one another, and with the prospective new son-in-law or daughter-in-law.  At some point, the young people are allowed to go into a room and talk privately for a while.  They discuss their future plans, their interests, their personalities, and try to get to know one another, try to see if this person might be a good match for them.  After a while, maybe a half-hour, maybe an hour, they emerge and again talk with the families.  At this time, each one of them will be asked if they have an interest in this prospective partner, and would like to meet again.  Only if both indicate that they agree, and want to meet again, will the process continue.  “Choice was given”, he told me in a positive voice. 

If all the parties agree, a “second meeting” will be arranged.  It is at this second meeting, again if all are still in agreement, that formal marriage is proposed and a date for a weeding is set.  My friend indicated that he had seven “first meetings” before he finally met his future wife, on the eighth.  Some of the girls just had different goals and agendas.  At least one seemed very outspoken, and perhaps over-bearing, so in that case, my friend said “no thanks”.  For his wife, she only needed one “first meeting”.  She thought my friend was acceptable from the beginning, and so they were married.

Gate to Laxmi Vilas Palace, Vadodara - Photo by P. Shah 

In America, we cringe when someone says they will be in an “arranged marriage”.  In America, we are all about freedom and self-determination, and so the thought of having such an important, life-determining decision made for us would make us instantly rebel.  Even the thought of someone else entering such a relationship makes us uncomfortable.  But the “Indian way”, at least in the method described by my friend, seems not only practical, but also seems to fully consider the desires and preferences of the young man and woman.  He indicated that only 10% or so of such arranged marriages fail.  Compare that to the failure rate in America, which some sources put between 35% and 50% !

In any case, from the photos he showed me, I think my friend came out rather well, a pretty wife and now, a fine daughter.  And there should be no bickering among parents saying they do not like a new son or daughter-in-law, after all, they themselves got to “vote” and participate in the selection!

It’s interesting what one learns sometimes, and in the most unexpected ways !

-       M. W. Laughlin - 15-Nov-2010